The man with the breath of a thousand dog farts

Yesterday on the way home I was on a particularly packed streetcar headed west on King Street when I smelled a foul odor. I placed it immediately. It was human halitosis.

There was a tall man standing over me who insisted on breathing out through his mouth and his breath was notably wicked. I considered handing him a piece of Juicy Fruit and this tidbit of advice “Do everyone within a 50-mile radius of you a favour and chew on this a while”, but I was too chicken.

This man had to have had a sinus infection, or some cantankerous wound festering under his tongue because this was in no way a healthy scent. If I were a betting man, I would say this guy had never heard of floss, a tongue scraper or mouthwash. I pictured the mounds of anaerobic bacterial scum building up on the back of his tongue and felt a wave of nausea.

During the next ten minutes of my ride I became obsessed with the smell and tried to pinpoint what ferocious combination of food and drink could produce such a stench. I decided that the man started his day with a cigarette and a cup of coffee. He had a cheesy, roasted garlic and onion omelet for breakfast. For lunch, likely some sushi. For dinner? Beef and broccoli stir-fry and a beer. Then another coffee and cigarette. He also likely talked all day and drank no water.

I once heard a story about a friend of a friend who had accidentally inhaled a sunflower seed. He was gorging on them during a football game and began to laugh and it went up into his sinus cavity by way of his larynx. The man had no idea that it went into his sinuses and proceeded about his day. He went on for weeks with no clue and his breath became increasingly bad. Turns out he had a sunflower growing in his nose. How about that!

I wondered what type of flora Mr. Greenhouse might be tending to up his sniffer.